My life in poly

I seldom share about the things that happened in my life on the internet, or just not so on my blog.

Since school is reopening soon, I just feel that I should blog about this.

My life after secondary school, stepping into polytechnic, going to a class not knowing anyone.

At first, I thought I would adapt well to the change from secondary school to polytechnic, mixing well with new friends & starting afresh.

Afterall having only 2 guys in my class & more than 20 girls in class wouldn't affect me much since back in upper secondary school is pretty similar, only 7 guys in my class.

For those who do not know, I am currently studying Early Childhood Studies in Temasek Polytechnic, starting Sem 2.2 in a week's time. Got into the course through JPSAE, using my CCA, Girl Guides.

Not going to reveal how badly I scored for my O levels, but I scored so badly that I'm left with limited choices, so being able to get into a good course like ECS, is a once-in-a-lifetime miracle for me.

Going for orientation camp before Year 1 starts, hoping to know and mix well with others.

I'm a very awkward person to begin with, so it's really very hard for me to talk well & make new friends.

But it eventually I managed to make friends with some of them, but unfortunately, it didn't last long.

WHY?

To be honest, I don't know. Different course, school, the difference in our timetable/schedule, no common topics to talk about, I guess.

Besides that, I also made friends with some other people in school, but unfortunately, their intention of getting close to me isn't like what I expected. Mainly because of my high followers on social media, I often get such comments from my then-friends, 

'Eh why you never tag me on Instagram' ;

'Eh hello Xiao Pops' ;

'Wah photoshoot leh must bring me next time okay'

This is just a few examples of the kind of things I used to hear from those whom I thought are my true friends, & slowly they just drifted apart from me after a while.

Before people start pointing fingers at me, I'm not referring to anyone in specific, but if you think the shoe fits, go ahead.

Well, I do not consider myself as a popular person, but just someone who is more active on social media instead of spending more time with people in real life.

At first, I didn't think much about what others say, or how they treated me as, but I guess time tells everything.

In class, subconsciously getting into a group of 11 girls on the 1st day of school, just simply because we all chosen to go to Mcd for lunch while the others choose for another location.

The best memory I had of this group of friends:

Screaming our heads off while running from Engine Block, Breadboard all the way back to HSS, which is like from one end to another end of the school, literally.

Also, having themed outfits for most of the school days & taking group pictures almost every day during our break/after school.

Eventually, the clique split up into 2 smaller groups, 5 Malays & 6 Chinese. I'm not trying to be racist but that's how things turned out to be since it's quite hard to accommodate everyone's food requests.

Guess it's a better choice too since I find it very tough to mix with some of them, probably because they have their own group of close friends inside the 11 people clique, & I always ran out of topics to talk about.

Eventually, due to some complicated issues that happened in the clique, one of us left the clique & was left with 5 ever since.

The clique is still around now, but I guess it's barely surviving, or maybe it's just me that's tired of it.

Before I continue, this is the one & only group of friends I have in school, besides a few constant friends since Secondary school, Gracia & Deslyn, which I seldom meet up with since we're from different schools in TP.

To be honest, I don't really care much now & hence decided to write about it. Whether they choose to stop hanging out with me after this or continue to be my true/fake friends, it's truly up to them.

It's not that I dislike them, but I just don't know where should I go after this.

After all, we been through quite a lot together in the past year, sort of, & they are the reason why I look forward going to school, doing projects together as a clique.

I don't know when did things started to go wrong, but I just felt really awful getting used constantly, that I have to share my lecture notes to someone who chooses not to listen in class, rather using the phone/doing other things. I know it's a silly thing to do, sharing notes with someone who doesn't deserve it, but what can I do? It's not that I didn't try rejecting it, I did. Why me out of the rest? Why can't you ask someone else? What did I get in return?

'Fuck you'

And what happens when I don't go with their plan of going according to their themed outfits?

'Eh segregation, later don't walk with her'

It happened so regularly that I no longer know whether they are saying it as a joke or are they treating me like a joke.

Sidetrack a little, my GPA is not that good.

I'm barely passing.

It's not that I'm lazy or what. Okay, probably I treated Poly too lightly at the start, only starting my assignments at the very last minute, even having to chiong overnight & going to school with zero hours of sleep. That happened once for my lesson plan in Sem 1.2, never again, I hope.

I don't know where's my mistake at, but I just don't get how despite starting on my assignment/revision earlier than my friends, I would score badly/worse than they did.

Is it because I'm not capable of scoring well? Or that I don't belong in this course at the first place?

I do not know the specific reason why but for the last month before Sem 2.1 ended, I just felt a strong urge of dislike towards the clique in general.

I don't know what spike off the dislike, but it just did.

Probably because of the issues happening in my personal life that I do not share with them about, that makes me feel really insecure about myself for a period of time.

There's this one specific day in August, I remember feeling really shitty about myself. I went to school with a heavy heart, & I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Since I realized that our morning class is canceled last minute, & that my friends are talking among themselves, excluding me in their conversation, I just felt so awful that I told them I'm going home, since I still have 5 hours before the next lesson, & I don't feel like staying in school.

They came up to me, surrounding me & kept questioning me why.

God knows what's wrong with me, but I just burst out crying in front of them.

Man, I don't know whether to feel relieved that I finally cried, or to feel even shitty about myself because I'm acting like a child, that I want to go home.

3 semesters had past & to be honest, this is the first time I'm so relieved that holidays are here, not only because I can escape away from my books for 2 months, but the fact that I can finally escape from my friends, my classmates, everyone that I don't wish to see.

I used to always worry about my friends meeting during holidays without me since the group chat is pretty dead, & the last time I see them was on the last day of exams.

Why don't you change the group of friends you mix with in class?

Saying is easy, but doing it is difficult.

My class currently have 5 cliques, & 1 girl roaming around herself since she left her group of friends, my clique.

I find it hard to mix with other classmates of mine, since all of them have their own group of friends, & all along I don't put in the effort to start a conversation with any of them.

I find it really hard to maintain a conversation with a person. It stresses me out as I do not know what to say, how do I continue from the topic we are talking about, whether there's anything in common to talk about.

To those who tried talking to me, yeah I'm pretty sure you experienced this before.

Unless you managed to keep the conversation going by being the one starting a topic one after another, without making me feel awkward, hardly.

To be honest, even with my own group of friends, secondary close friends or poly close friends, I find it really hard to continue a conversation when I'm with them individually, mainly because I do not know what to talk about.

I guess that's why some of the time, I prefer to be alone.

Well, I guess I'm just going to end this blog post here because I don't know how do I continue my words. My thoughts are just jumbled up in my mind & it's slowly going to suffocate me if I do not share it with someone, or in my case, blogging it.

A week to Sem 2.2, I no longer know what to expect but I'm just hoping for the best.

Bryana

My first clubbing experience

I've always looked forward to turning legal.
Being legally able to experience things that we once are not exposed to.
Clubbing, getting your own driver cert and having fun.
Well, that's just how the internet portrays what turning legal means.

It's pretty different for me though.
I choose not to hold a birthday party for my 18th, partially because I don't find it necessary, and another reason is that I don't have many friends to invite.

For those who don't really know me, I'm not really a social person in real life.
Since secondary school, I only talk and hang out with my own group of friends, not even saying hi to my other classmates.

As I step into polytechnic, it remains the same.
I only hang out with my group of friends, from a group of 11 people since the 2nd day of school, and now we're left with 5.
I'll talk about this in another blog post, so let's move on to my actual blog post, my first clubbing experience.

I haven't met my secondary friends for a month, and we planned to meet up for another drinking sesh before school reopens, since we'll be pretty busy with our personal life and school then.

Since 3/4 of us have not been to a club before, I suggested that we should try it out before school reopens.

I invited Gab along too, since Jol's boyfriend will be there as well, and also he does not allow me to go clubbing without him.

Long story short, in the end, Gab invited 4 of his friends, while I'm with 3 other close friends of mine, & Jol's boyfriend didn't turn up in the end.

Well, pre-drink sesh was pretty awkward at the start, since it's the first time my friends are meeting those guys, and I'm not really close with this group of guys either.

Things got a little better when everyone started drinking and the mood there lightens up.

1st incident: Clarence broke a bottle of vodka
It happened when Gab and I are on the other side of the carpark enjoying our time alone. when we heard the bottle smashing onto the ground. Most of us are pretty much high at that point of time, and Clarence, Gab's friend was holding the bottle of vodka, running away from my friends and not allowing them to get the bottle until it's 11pm.
We had 2 bottles of Vodka and a few bottle of mixers before that and were already high at around 10.30pm. Since it's still early they decided to buy another bottle of Vodka. Well, he broke the 3rd bottle of Vodka (even before we opened it) at 10.59pm. Just1-minute difference, yup that sucks.
Since I wasn't there at the time it happened, I clearly have no idea what happened at that point in time.

2nd incident: Jovin and Clarence started bleeding
When we got over, things were worse than expected. Jovin and Clarence were bleeding because of that broken bottle of Vodka. The situation was chaotic & we decided that we have to get some band-aids and water to clean their wound since there's no taps around or plain water.
I was starting to sober up already, so I volunteered to accompany Jolene down to 7/11 to get the essential kits.

3rd incident: Crying over GPA
We got back to the carpark and realized that my friends were crying & Clarence was still talking shits, laughing at how my friends did badly for their GPA, & how NP gave him money for getting 3.8 GPA. This made Jolene mad & started yelling at Clarence, I mean well, that's Jolene. She cares for us like a mother & dislikes seeing any of us getting hurt.

No more pre-drinks, & by the time the past 3 incidents ended, it's close to 11.30pm so we decided we should make our way down to Cherry.

Oh yes, why Cherry out of all clubs?
We're not experienced in the clubs so we're deciding to go between Get Juiced & Cherry.
Since Gab & Jovin said that Get Juiced isn't that good, we decided to go for Cherry since most of us haven't been there before.

Thank God for all day free entry for girls because I don't think I'll pay to enter a club, after what happened that night.

So we got in before the guys & were happily taking selfies in the toilet before they joined us inside.

4th incident: Jewis went home
Gab's friend, Jewis got sent home because he didn't bring his IC along, & the bouncer rejected Ezlink card, despite the fact that there's no difference in both & guys have to pay $35 entrance fee.

I was sober when we're inside Cherry, so I decided to get another glass of Vodka, along with Jolene, for $15.

5th incident: Spilling Vodka
At that point of time, I've finished my glass of Vodka so this incident didn't affect me. But on the other hand, Jolene just had one sip of Vodka when Clarence knocked over it (the glass was placed on the table) and it spilled all over Jolene's skirt and shoes. Pretty messed up, but yes that got Jolene mad & she just decided she got to leave first because she no longer has the mood to enjoy anymore.

I continued partying, trying to get into the clubbing feels, ignoring the fact that I'm pretty sober at the club.

Before Jolene left, she told me to look after the other 2 girls & of course I promised her so since our intention is the same, I wouldn't want to see any of my friends getting taken advantage of.

Jolene called me about an hour after she left, checking on the girls. Couldn't really remember what did I exactly said but I was just updating her that my friends are dancing with Gab's friends. She decided to cab back to the club to look for us since Jovin and Jolene's initial plan is to cab home together, while I cab back with Peiyu. But my friends said that it's not necessary since they're sober & they are fine cabbing back themselves.

6th incident: the argument
Despite me saying that it's not necessary for her to come over, Jolene came.
And that's when things got chaotic, again for that night.
I won't go in deep about what we argued about, but because of the argument that night, I lost my friends.
Probably it's wrong for her to party & gets close to the guys despite having a boyfriend who was not there that night, or perhaps to her, it's totally fine to wrap your arms around and dance with other guys when you have a boyfriend, I don't know.
After all, everyone has different views on that, so it's really not up to me to judge or decide what is right and what is wrong.
But like I said earlier, I just don't wish to see any of my friends getting hurt, especially when I'm the one who organized the night out.

Before I continue, I'm not trying to blame anyone.
Probably like what my friend said, it might be me seeing things wrong & assuming that it's right, that I choose to listen to what the guys said instead of her side of the story.
I'm not siding anyone, to be honest, but everyone has eyes to see & I'm not the only one who witnessed things that night.

Also, some may have thought that I'm ridiculous choosing to air my dirty laundry online.
Don't get me wrong. I'm not.
After all, this is my personal blog, & all I wanted is a platform for me to express myself.
So if you dislike the fact that I'm blogging what's been happening to my life, please leave.

To conclude, it's the wrong choice of words used that spike off the misunderstandings that night. That one is lacking self-love & respect just because she's attached & choose to do things that may upset the boyfriend, that we didn't give her a chance to speak & explain herself.

To end off, my first clubbing experience didn't turn out well.
To my group of friends who went through thick & thin with me for the past 3 years, I didn't expect things to turn out like this. Really.
Despite the 3 of you assuring that it's not my fault that things got screwed up that night, in the end, I'm the one to blame.
If only I didn't invite the guys along that night, if only I didn't comment so much & just keeping things simple with an 'Everything is just fine' lie, none of this will happen.
I'm sorry everyone, especially to those who are present that night.

One last picture of us, the best group of friends I ever had.

Bryana